Cleveland is the city where we come from, so run

Those famous words taken from Bone Thugs-N-Harmony during the song “East 1999” (if you don’t know the tune, skip ahead to 3:41 in the video in case you’re one of those people):

Those words are now being taken quite literally by several key members of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

By now, we all know that the NBA during the months of June and July, is an insane asylum. And wouldn’t you know it, the summer of 2017 is no exception. Many of us were surprised to hear that Lebron James may bolt for L.A. in 2018. However, all of us – with the exception of Stephen A. Smith – were floored when we heard that Kyrie Irving demanded a trade from the Cavaliers on July 21.

The news came like a kick to the nuts following a vasectomy. The news came like a Taco Bell meal following gastrointestinal surgery. The news came like the feeling of a busted condom following a one night stand. In case you’re slow and are missing the point, the news came accompanied with a certain amount of discomfort and uncertainty for most people.

Back to the topic at hand. Yep. You heard it right. Kyrie wants no part of Lebron after toiling away in obscurity in Cleveland for 4 years, before LBJ helped aid Irving to an NBA title in 2016. They’re saying Kyrie wants to be “the man” again, which is understandable I suppose. However something smells fishy. One of the places Kyrie wants to go is San Antonio. Hmmm… Kawhi Leonard and Gregg Popovich may have something to say about Kyrie being the main option for the Spurs. Other destinations include Minnesota, but they have Karl-Anthony Towns, Jimmy Butler, and Andrew Wiggins. Miami is another potential landing spot. Okay… sure… whatever.


But then there’s the New York Knicks…

The loveable…


New York Knicks…

The LOL Knicks…

The $71 M Tim Hardaway Jr. Knicks…

The oh-my-fucking-god-I-can’t-believe-how-poorly-this-franchise-has-been-run Knicks…

Okay, sorry I’m done now.


But seriously, nobody voluntarily wants to go to basketball’s current version of Siberia. Sure, Kyrie would be the man there, but why would he want to leave a championship contender for a club that has actively been shopping their only two good players, and has been severely mismanaged for a decade? Kyrie did a lot of losing with the Cavs between 2011 and 2015 so he knows what that’s about. Is it possible he hates Lebron that much? Maybe. But there could be something else at hand. None of this makes sense. So with that, I present to you the top 3 alternate reasons Kyrie Irving wants out of Cleveland:

3. Kyrie Irving wasn’t on this banana boat:

Image result for banana boat team

And he wasn’t included on this Gabrielle Union-less banana boat mock-up either:

Image result for banana boat team

Why won’t they let you on the banana boat Kyrie?


2. Kyrie Irving has a secret relationship with Russell Westbrook. Remember this?

Man, Russ was sure acting guilty at the end of that video. Is Kyrie trying to throw us all for a loop, and create his own superteam in OKC with Russell Westbrook and Paul George? If that “Thank you Kyrie” is confirmation of a contract agreement, we have some serious tampering charges at hand.


1. Kyrie Irving is leaving because of this simple text message thread. End of story:


That’s all for now. In the meantime, I’ll be in the fetal position in the corner until the next NBA atomic bomb hits.

PS – Listen to East 1999 while reading this write-up. They go rather well together. Like Ketchup chips and Grape Crush.

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