A letter to Knicks President, Phil Jackson

Hi Phil,

It’s your old friend, Anis.

I’m writing to you, just to make sure that everything’s okay.

NBA: San Antonio Spurs at New York Knicks

How’s it going with the Knicks? I hear that you’re trying to trade Kristaps Porzingis. I wouldn’t have believed it, but everybody seems to be talking about it, Phil.

They’re saying you want to trade him because he missed his exit interview this season? Well, surely that isn’t the case Phil, I mean it’s just an interview. Kristaps is a once in a generation talent and you’re smarter than… Wait, hold on. Something just got delivered to my inbox:

“As much as we value Kristaps and what he’s done for us, when a guy doesn’t show up for an exit meeting, everybody starts speculating on the duration or movability from a club.”

– Knicks President, Phil Jackson

Hmmm. Interesting. As a friend, Phil, may I suggest that you don’t speculate when potentially mortgaging the future of your franchise? I mean, did you talk to Kristaps? I beleive he’s said that he wants to stay in New York. Although it could be too late, seeing as how you threw him under the bus and all.

But I believe in you Phil. You have 11 titles as a coach. 11! That’s special. I used to love watching you, and Michael, and Scottie, and Shaq, and Kobe, just destroying your competition. But, maybe… Just maybe times have changed, Phil. I mean, nobody wants to run the triangle anymore. It’s in the past. The strategy nowadays is to have stretch 4’s and stretch 5’s. But I understand, a three-point shooting centre is impossible to find. I mean where in the world would…

Oh, wait… Kristaps!!!!

He can shoot the three. And take his defender off the dribble. And protect the rim. And he’s 7’3. And he’s only 21. I mean, Phil, you know what they call him right? A unicorn. That’s right. A goddamn fucking unicorn. Something so rare, that you don’t believe it actually exits! Phil, you must be familiar with his skill set by now, it’s been two years already and… Hold on, another email:

“We know what he is. He’s a unicorn and he’s special.”

– Knicks President, Phil Jackson

I see. So there must be something else going on. This can’t be just about an exit interview. They’re just bullshit, right? I mean, even Joel Embiid knows that:

See? Nobody gives a shit about exit interviews. So, what is this about? You’re the freaking Zen Master, Phil. Nothing’s supposed to get to you. Wait…. Hold up… This isn’t because Jeanie Buss left you, is it?

Ah, crap. I was hoping this wouldn’t come up…

Phil, she’s gone. She’s in LA now. I know relationships are tough, but you can’t just destroy an entire frachise because of your failed love life. I know this sounds harsh, but I say this as a friend. And it’s not just me. Twitter is abound with people who share my viewpoint:

Wow, that last one though. You’re behind Reggie Miller. Phil, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I’m pretty certain that the average New Yorker wants Reggie Miller dead.

Okay fine, I’ve said what I needed to say. But I suppose I have to trust that you know what you’re doing. I mean, we’ve known each other since the 80’s and I guess I owe you that much. In the meantime Phil, can you promise me something? Please, please… Try not to alienate any of your other superstars until this smooths over, because I think… Argh!! Hold on, another email:

“We’ve expressed the fact that we’ve done a lot of things to try to put teams together that can win, and we haven’t been successful, and it might be time for him (Carmelo Anthony) to find an opportunity to go somewhere else.”

– Knicks President, Phil Jackson

Oh god. That’s the only other good player you have, Phil. Something must be seriously wrong. I’m on the next flight to New York. I’ll see you in a few hours. Hang in there.

Your lifelong friend,


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